It was replaced by other songs, other wishes. I kept returning to “How Deep Is Your Love” for the better part of a year. (By the way, I always thought the line was, “I really need to know.” Whatever, I was close.) I actually thought this last line was “you’re my savior when I’m born,” which makes no sense, but that tells you how little I had tried to unpack the song’s meaning. You’re the light in my deepest, darkest hour In fact, I didn’t even know some of the lyrics until I googled the song to write this piece. Clearly the words were not what I was chasing. But the lyrics to “How Deep Is Your Love” are simple and even saccharine in a way I don’t normally tolerate. Usually my fixation on a song has to do with the lyrics, the word puzzles of Tom Waits and Elliott Smith and Lana Del Rey have served me on long drives and lonely nights. A friend called this “hopelessly immersive,” and it’s a form of listening that tells you something about how I experience art, but also how I am with men. I get stuck on a song, and I’m in its grips until it teaches me whatever I need to learn. I hated when I couldn’t keep up with another person I never hated it more than with him. “They are?” Genuine surprise I thought they were British. Like someone whose first language isn’t English.” “ How deep is your love? It almost sounds like a bad translation. He had parked alongside the curb it was my turn to go.
“It’s such a weird question,” I said, wanting to extend our time together. I tapped his stereo to play “How Deep Is Your Love.” Or maybe he did, I can’t remember now, and I gave him a look that told him we were playing this one till the end. I loved the boldness of the chorus, how it dared to repeat itself, like maybe the second time you asked the question, the answer would be different. Not this, not this, maybe this - no, not that either. But at the time, I saw it as an expression of his interest in women, and possibly me. It was a form of scrolling, and eventually, I’d come to see it as the sign of a distracted world, inflamed by platforms like Twitter and TikTok, where nobody could dream of holding a thought for more than thirty seconds. He had a habit of changing a song after the first verse, like he’d already lost interest. Months had passed, but we were back in his car. On the way to Whole Foods, in rush-hour traffic, watching the wet blue noodles slap my windshield in a car wash. I listened to it over and over as I drove around my home in Dallas. And after that night, the song felt like him. The song felt like being the last two people on earth. The song felt like swaying under low lights. That post-Beatles era was a wonderland to me.Īnd the moment that you wander far from me I’d spent the past few years re-discovering ELO, Queen, Boston, Fleetwood Mac. “The Seventies is vintage pop,” I said, and watched his eyes settle into this subtle distinction.
“Ella Fitzgerald is old shit.” But a radio hit from 1977? Hardly qualifies. This has been true of most men, but especially him. I didn’t know whether this was a compliment or an insult, but I was badly hoping it was the former.
He was quiet as he drove, but he seemed to be watching me out of the corner of his eye, my body dipping back into the sound, or maybe I just hoped he did. Ahhhhh, the Gibb brothers sang as he rolled the car out of the parking lot and onto the empty street of an unfamiliar neighborhood. And then that blast of three-part harmony, gentle as a sigh. “This one,” I said, and touched the play button so the disco twinkle of the opening filled the silent air. He had one of those screens that was probably standard, but I’d never seen it before, having spent the past six years in the backseat of yellow cabs during the era when cars went digital. Wynk also makes it easy to create your own playlists that you can listen to anytime on Wynk Music.The first night we spent in each other’s company, I slid into the passenger seat of his car and flipped through the songs on his stereo. Also, listen to Instrumental Big Screen Hits (Volume 2) album songs online here.
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